weakly horoscopes for 2024

Aries
You’re the first sign of the zodiac! Yippee! Aries love to be number one. Just loooove it. Yep. You sure do. That’s really annoying. You should stop that.

Taurus
Everyone will be jealous of you at your upcoming high school reunion. I mean, you’re so successful, you’re smart, and—-oh wait, that’s another sign. Sorry, I got my post-its mixed up after I tripped and dropped them. Ok, I figured it all out now. Nevermind.

Gemini
Generosity brings luck, and what better way to start off your year than by giving. Give till it hurts. Give all your money to us! Giiiivvveeee iiiiitttt tooooooo usssssss! Giiiivvvveeee!

Cancer
Stitches get snitches!
Finders keepers, weepers lose!
Red sky at night…(wait…at *night*? Are you sure this is right? Did someone factcheck this?)
If the glove doesn’t fit, you must, you must, you must increase your bust!
Out of mind! Out of sight! Duuuuuuude!

Leo
You’re in a desert, walking along in the sand when all of a sudden you look down and see a tortoise, Leo. It’s crawling toward you. You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back, Leo.

The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can’t. Not without your help. But you’re not helping.

You’re not helping! Why is that, Leo? WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING THE TURTLE? FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, LEO, WHY?

Virgo
Now would be a great time to open a tuba accessories store! No, really! I know, right? I couldn’t believe the timing either. You’re very welcome!

Libra
You’ll discover a message hidden in a robot. The message is from a princess, begging for your help against an evil empire. You’ll be discovered by an old, retired warrior, and he’ll lead you to join a group of people to battle the empire.

You’ll rescue the princess from the evil empire’s fortress…let’s call it “the death star” so it sounds more dramatic.

Eventually, you’ll be asked to go on a mission to destroy the death star. You’ll–

(What? I’m kind’a busy. I’m writing the horoscope. What do you mean I’m plagiarizing? Phhfff…c’mon, nobody’s seen that movie. Who’s gonna know?)

Scorpio
How many more of these are there are? I’m running out of ideas. Whew. This sure is hard work.

Sagittarius
You don’t need to see his identification.
These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
You can go about your business.
Move along.
(What?!? Alright, alright…moving along…moving along…)

Capricorn
Are you going out wearing that? You better be home by nine, young lady/man!

Aquarius
Be yourself.
Be one with the world.
Be the change you want to see.
Be the light in the darkness.
Be…ware…I live!
Be…aggressive…b.e.a.g.g.r.e.s.s.i.v.e!
Be ba loopa di dit loo pah!

Pisces
You’re that fish sign, right? How lame. Who wants to be fish? Yeah, blah blah fish-related stuff blah blah.